Ok, I can honestly promise you this will be my best blog so far. It’s a little long so I apologise in advance.

Having a brother that was six years older than me and being born into a family with eight male cousins older than me, I had to toughen up fast. I wasn’t allowed to be a princess, nor did I ever want to be one. I was one of ’the boys’ all through school, and seeing as I was a really ugly duckling I wasn’t hanging with any boys in any *other* way. I remember in grade four we were watching a video - yes, a VHS if you remember - and I was sitting on the floor next to a new boy all the girls were crushing on, and decided to tie his shoe laces to the chair legs. I got detention.

In grade six the class bully, who had stayed back two years and was much older and bigger than all of us, kept stealing my pens and gnawing on them to the point that I wouldn’t want them back, the end all smashed and saliva mixing in with the ink. EW!! My parents weren’t that well off as we were growing up and I would get into so much trouble every time I asked for new pens, which finally led to my confession to my dad as to what was happening. WELL…. he went and got out the dried red chilli he used to grow in the back yard (that he rubbed on my lips for saying he was “shit” once) and rubbed it on the ends of all my pens. I will never forget that day, during silent reading as I sat across the room on my bean bag and watched Peter lean over and help himself to a pen from my table and then proceed to put it in his mouth. I almost pooped myself as I peered over the edge of my book in anticipation. Then he did it. He chewed on it. Then he took it out and looked at it funny. Then he held his mouth. Then he went the colour of the chilli my dad had rubbed on it and started SCREAMING!!!!!! The teacher freaked out and he ran for the taps. That wasn’t enough so they called for the canteen lady to open the canteen and get him some milk. I was officially shi**ing myself by then. I got detention.

So my pranks had many years to develop and refine themselves like a fine wine, and although I’m in my 30s and still enjoy hiding behind the door with a knife and scaring hubby when he gets home from work, my best pranks have been much more elaborate. I will list the top five as we don’t have all day.

5. What a dick.

Just recently my husband was being a bit of a di*k, so I decided I would hang a little, skin-colour plastic penis on his suit pants button hole. The penis toy was left over from my hens party; I specifically said ‘no penises’ and they made it a penis fest.(now I am conscious of the amount of times I have already said the word penis and made some of my male followers uncomfortable so …. BOOBS… ok?)  Anyway, I was so nervous as he is in a professional field that I almost chickened out the next morning as I heard him close the front door and head off to work. What if a client saw it? What if his boss saw it? Divorce. He will divorce me. So I turned to the mummy forum I love so much to gauge by their responses as to whether I had gone too far. They loved it. Phew, I was in the clear. I proceeded to update the ladies with screen grabs of my conversations with hubby on WhatsApp, when he asked if I had hung a “penis toy” on his pants. I blamed our toddler and was considerably concerned by the fact that he believed me, and that he didn’t wonder why the hell there would ever be such a “toy” manufactured for children. He also thought, which is the best part, that he had been walking around with it hanging from his pants for the past two days.I was just happy he believed our two year old was genius enough to do it. I fessed up.He laughed. Still alive to tell the story.

More tomorrow. Have to keep you hanging. Zoe xx