Have a baby naturally they said… it’s life changing they said…. Let me tell you something, my first child broke my vagina and you don’t want to know what else, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Yup, it’s broken and I need a mechanic trained as a gynaecologist to fix it. Heads up to anyone reading this who is male or hasn’t had children yet, you may want to continue living in blissful ignorance and stop reading now.
Before I had children I didn’t care, nor did I pay attention when people spoke about pregnancy or childbirth. Then, when I got pregnant all the professionals (anyone who has ever participated in the event of a labour) came out of the wood work. People seem to think, and it’s not only women, that when you are pregnant you WANT to hear stories about shi**ing during labour and mucous plugs etc. Seriously, NO, let me have a surprise. I remember being pregnant and chatting to a friend who was due around the same time as me, at a wedding and a man, whose wife I had met 5 minutes earlier came up and started rambling on about poo-ing during labour. MATE seriously? How about you tell me I’m glowing first. I walked off, not because I was offended, but I was just over it and in my last trimester
Ok so something else they don’t tell you about the glamorous life post vaginal birth… The pelvic floor. Now you may have heard mummies saying jovially, “haha I can’t jump on a trampoline, I may pee myself” and you think to yourself, wtf that’s just gross and there is no way that will happen to me! Well, that was me. Little did I know there were worse things to be afraid of. Now I am no professional in any medical field whatsoever, so please just bear with me as I describe as best I can my experience with the pelvic floor.
Most people (like myself) think that the pelvic floor is just your ‘love hole’ (honestly that’s the nicest word I could think to call it) and when you see your midwife or OB, if you’re fancy like that, they will run you through the exercises you should be doing to strengthen your pelvic floor. It basically feels like when you need to pee and you have to hold it while you run through the club and wait in line at the ladies. Who am I kidding? I haven’t been to a club in years but I remember that’s what it feels like ok. So there I was, in the consulting room with the midwife, asking her if I was doing them wrong because they aroused me, then watching her and my husband’s faces turn bright red.
What they don’t tell you is there are three pelvic floors. Your ‘pee hole’, your ‘love hole’ and your ‘exit only hole’ (let’s call it EOH). Thankfully (kinda) my first two were fine after the birth but I had no idea of the surprise that was to come. So I was sitting in my hospital bed the morning after I gave birth to my son and we had visitors. My brother in law and his girlfriend were sitting on the seat next to my bed, husband’s friend was at the foot of the bed and a few other people randomly scattered around my quarter of the shared room I was in. Everyone was happily chatting away and I was feeling thirsty so I poured myself a glass of water and slowly raised the glass to my mouth to have a sip….. as the glass was nearing my lips, my EOH took it upon itself to start farting!!!!!….. I’m not talking a little brrrrt. I’m talking this fart went for at least 5 seconds. I want you to count those five seconds out now and realise how long that is. I had no idea what was happening but was 100% sure it was coming out of me!!! I was mortified!!!! I sat there stunned.. didn’t blink an eye… I figured if I didn’t react they may all think it was the bed or something. What did I just do???? How did I have no control over it? My heart was in my throat!! All I could do was hold the sheets down as tight as I could and try not to move for fear of dutch oven-ing my guests. I let a few minutes pass and when I was in the clear and noone had reacted, I got up and told everyone I was hot so I was going out into the hall for a minute on my own. Lordy meeeee! Walking down that corridor like someone had shoved a trumpet up my butt let me tell you! I think I almost cried. Made my way to the midwife and asked her why my EOH was broken and what could I do to fix it. This poor girl was trying, in her best serious face to tell me it was my pelvic floor and it happens when you push a small melon out of you, seeing as you push as though you’re are taking the biggest crap of your life.
Thankfully it can be fixed and it took me many butt clenches to return to my normal self. There are still a few mishaps every now and then, like the time I did one in class and blamed the closest student. I think my words were “he who smelt it, dealt it”. I know right so mature, but if anyone (by anyone I mainly mean my husband) tries to complain about a little flatulence here and there I just threaten to tell them my birth story with all the gory details.
Thanks for reading. I hope you found it very educational. Seriously though, children are such a blessing and what we go through is nothing when you have the cutest little face making you smile every day.
Love you all. Zoe xx
\Mother. Wife. Teacher. Funny. Honest. Energetic. Loyal. Creative. Prankster. Junk food addict. Homie. Subtle as a brick in the face. Wanderlust.
Well I’ve just learnt something new 😳
I have many friends currently having kids and I often stop listening or walk away when they start to tell their birth stories. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your wisdom, in a more(?!) um….less confronting way!
Oh Zoe, from a mother of three pregnancies (one of those 14pounds worth of twins) … I have never laughed and empathised so much whilst ready a story about this crazy little journey they call motherhood! All very very true. It’s a beautiful adventure raising these little bugs, but like you, I wish I had admired and worshipped my flower so much more when it was still perfect! 🙃
thats very sweet of you to say
Hahahah
Oh my gosh. I have tears running down my face from laughing so much. This was a great read!
thank you for your kind words
Zo Zo! What a great, fun read. My EOH too is finally back to “normal” hahaha! Always enjoy reading your unfiltered blogs. Thank you for always touching on the taboo topics and making them less taboo. ❤️😘
HA! thanks for that. x
Well if you think that is awful try this one
I had my daughter in 1970
Born 6 1/2 weeks early after my waters broke
She was born in 3 hours
Perfect baby & weighted in at 4 lbs 2ozs
now 46 years later still perfect
Five years later my son was born 3 weeks early within 1 hour …another perfect baby (Thk God he was early as he was 7lbs
9 ozs)
Both births still required an episeotme
I was always proud of the fact that they came early
My poor sisters had 32 hour labours & of course they alway said “bitch” because I went so very quick compared to them
Well now it is NO FUN & Gyno tells me the faster the delivery the worse it is later in life
Yes after a ten year serveve menopause my equipment has dropped out ??????
Yep PROLAPSED BLADER
SUCH FUN
NOW GET THIS
I MUST ENDUER THIS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS BECAUSE I AM TOO YOUNG TO DO THE OPERATION YET !!!!!!
I wish to find a lady doctor who has this & ask what she think WHY
BECAUSE I AM STILL VERY ACTIVE WOMAN AT 63 & LOVE TO DO ALL WHAT I USED TO DO
I AM ONLY 54kilos therefore trying to put up with my bladder sagging into my pants (good look if your lover takes look🙄🙁)
Why do they wish to postpone operation for 10 years
Wait for it
“I will need it done AGAIN WITHIN THE NEXT TEN YEARS
WELL I’d be happy with that
Besides they will earn a second lot of money so let’s just do it
If it was something hanging out my nose or my ear they would do it immediately but out of sight so just put up & shut up….. Do your pelvic floor exercises (bit late & does little to help at this advanced stage) & lets just wait…..bull dust I want it done now
Oh Dee you just made me so happy that I had a long labour…. you poor thing. xx
That’s so strange that they are making you hold off on that op Dee. I’m only 30 and have just had a prolapsed bladder (cystocele) and bowel (rectocele) repaired in December and going back in on May because my uterus has also decided to head south and take the bladder with it again. I too will most likely have to have it done again in 10-15yrs but still- it’s worth it. If it’s a cystocele you have, I would recommend going to get another opinion.
Omg Dee! I’m going to be screwed!! I’ve had 6 kids yes 6 and all but one were really quick, the longest one was prolonged with meds because she was 8 weeks and 2 days early but my other 5 came quickly! The quickest was only 26 seconds of labor…….. Yes you read that right 26 seconds! You see I have what they call silent labor so I don’t feel any pain until I’m 9 cm dilated then the pain hits with a vengeance!! And that was my second pregnancy (needless to say I didn’t make it to the hospital) my first was 26 minutes, I was lucky with this one as my water broke roughly 3 hours before labor started and he was out!
To be honest I don’t think I ever went over an hour with any of them except my last because of the meds.
All of them were natural births!
The joys of being a mother I guess!
Interesting. I had very speedy deliveries. My son shot out in one push, stretching my insides from the back. My daughter in 2 pushes stretching my insides from the front. From the outside everything looked fine, but I had minourly prolapsed front (cystocele) and back (rectocele). At the age of 37 when my daughter was 2 I had a full prolapse repair and I can now function properly. Nothing was hanging out, I was sexually active and only minorly incontinent,but my surgeon said I was so young she felt I needed some help. I hope that they do not make you wait 10 years. This is very unfair. You are young also and should be able to enjoy your life to the full. Best of luck.
Seriously toooo funny and soooo true – tears streaming down my face with laughter!
Thanks Gaye
I have still got the problem thirty years on from giving birth..help
Nooooooooooooooo. Poor thing. x
You poor thing! I laughed so hard but I empathized so much as well. No one ever tells you about body functions and potential embarrassing moments after giving birth. I had a similiar experience after my second child while I was getting stitched up. I’d had an epidural, a really good one, and couldn’t feel or control anything from my waist down. I shocked the doctor and nurse and apologized. They were very nice about it but I’m sure they remember me!
Epidurals for the win i say!!
Epidural comes with problems later too
I was advised not to have by a Nathropath years ago
Why????
It is a high powered drug which some ladies have a very bad reaction too
But more the problem is many years later the very very very bad lower back pain is so terrible
Mostly no one connects it back to when you gave birth & had an epidural
I have many lady friends who say i’m lucky there was no time to have an epidural because I delivered so fast however they did have this needle in their spine & now they suffer long term & in their older years
Just when you do not want pain
For the short lived pain having Bub verses chronic back pain later I know which one I would choose
Yes I hear you lovely ladies saying ” yeah sure you can say that now but when you are in labour for many hours anything they can give you,
you will gladly take !”
I do understand & maybe I would have had an epidural if that had been the case for me back then
Regardless I am so happy to have my daughter & son & would not give them up for anything
I have just collected a referral from my Dr to go see a different Gyno for another opinion
Maybe they will advise me to do the operation sooner than later
Appointment booked for one month away…. First available appointment I could make
Cheers
I had all long labours, 4 of them ! And had them all with no drugs ! But since my mid 40’s my lower back pain has got progressively worse, so maybe it’s the carrying of the little darlings that does the damage to the back as well.
Thumbs up to the honesty of this blog ! I love it .
I really like your writing style, good info , regards for posting : D.
Thank you xx
I am forever thought about this, regards for posting.
The blog you have written is precise. For some reason I found great interest in reading it and I would like to share it as well.
I love the brutal honesty, as a mother of 2 I can completely understand every pain, parrrrrp and privilege of being a mum and what we have to endure. I haven’t laughed out load at something I’ve read for a long time so a hudge thank you from myself and my pelvic musles which have now had a great work out.
naw thats awesome to read. thanks for saying that. xx you need to read the one about my crap morning next. almost as funny
I’m currently 27weeks pregnant and I think I laughed so hard that I’ve undone all the hard work I’ve been doing on my pelvic floor 😂😂🚽🏃🏽♀️
hahaah
Tears of laughter but can’t help thinking you were lucky it was only a fart! I can say from experience it can be worse than that!
this is true
Hahahahahahaha! I’ve reached the end of this post and I’m still laughing. Love love love it, and love your style. Oh so subtle 🙂