Ok, this one is for the lads. Men, if you are married and want to be having more of the “cookie” then you need to read this. I will reveal a secret weapon that ensures you will get more action.

I can’t say I have had much romance in my life. I never went after a guy for his money when I was younger, it was always about his looks. Therefore, I was never romanced in the way of trips, flowers and expensive gifts. Then I met my husband and  I got a taste of it. He definitely had all the right moves to woo me. I think we were dating like four or five months and for my 30th birthday and he took me to Bunker Bay in WA and we stayed at one of the nicest places I had ever been. It was amazing and I was extremely impressed. It was all part of his grand plan to win me over and, damnit, it worked! Anyway, so we had many romantic dates along the way and nights out, spontaneous gifts and all the other stuff that happens when you start dating someone in your 30s (in my 20s I was lucky to be shouted a Happy Meal after Chasers). Even though I lived on my own when I met him, I refused to fall into the routine of sitting on the couch like an old married couple. I figured there would be plenty of time for that if he ever passed the “three month evaluation period”. Now, this was a real thing; I had made a rule for myself as a young lady that I wouldn’t give a guy the “cookie” for the first three months. After the three months I would sit down and evaluate whether this relationship was potentially long-term or whether it had to end. Plus, if he stuck around three months with no cookie, he was a keeper with good intentions.

We travelled together to Greece, the following year, where he proposed on the island of Paros, in the most amazing setting ever, and we went on living a fairy tale life together. We got married and travelled some more, went out for many dinners, movies, etc. We held hands all the time, even on the couch while we spooned watching Friends re-runs (vomit bag, I know) and the legendary SMBT was born. Sunday Morning Boobie Time, sung to the tune of “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” was my husband’s favourite time of the week and basically involved motorboating. These days though, my breasts are sacred feeding vessels made only for my children according to him.

Then I got pregnant a few years later…. It was bound to happen with all that romance right? My first pregnancy was amazing, and I was blessed with an easy baby. All was good, but some damage had been done ‘down there’, so it’s not like we were going at it the same amount as before the baby. Then I got pregnant again the following year and that pregnancy was the WORST! To say I was not feeling romantic would be the understatement of the century. I don’t think we had sex that whole nine months. Oops. I remember when I was younger and older married couples would tell me how little sex they had, like once a month, and me laughing and saying “YEAH RIGHT. That will never happen to me!”… When I got married I thought I had defied the odds and was in that 1% of people who have lots of it. Then kids came along and broke my vagina and made me too tired to even clean up down there, hence me becoming the Amazonian princess that I am known as today.

My husband is great. Honestly, he is. He’s understanding and witnessed both births so would never dare to pressure me for anything. We are pretty much like chalk and cheese and that works for us. He definitely puts up with a lot from me and in turn I put up with the fact that he moves slower than a snail and lacks the ability to multi-task. But here is where we differ most…. Romance to him is, well, you know… I mean, the guy has a halfie pretty much 98% of the time he’s around me, and that’s great, what a compliment! For me, though, ‘romance’ these days, and what gets me ‘in the mood’ is when I see him washing the dishes, without being asked… Or when he weeds the garden… Or hangs a load or washing… Ahhh… Ok, I’ll stop before I get too worked up! But you know what I mean. I can’t keep my hands off him when he’s at the sink. How did this happen? When did this transition happen in my head? If he cracks open a bottle of wine, I’m asleep in five minutes, and if he takes me to dinner we talk about the kids and the house then come home and sleep. Has he not worked it out yet? He could be getting so much more action if he just cleaned the house!!! He’d have it on tap. That’s the trick guys; help around the house without being asked instead of dry humping your wife’s leg in bed and hoping that if you poke her with your boner enough times she may give the dog a bone (or visa versa, I’m confused. Take a dog’s bone? You know what I mean!).

Another thing that has happened along the way is that sex has become a currency in my household. It works for us so don’t knock it. It goes something like “Babe, change that nappy and bring me ice-cream and I’ll give you a sexual favour of your choice” (obviously in dirtier language but I’m keeping it PG). Or it might be “If you change the bed sheets and weed the back yard I’ll give you some later.” Ladies, don’t just give it away willy nilly, milk it! Use it as a currency!!!!!

Last weekend we were lucky enough to get out of the house kid-free two nights in a row, and we remembered how much fun we used to be. We drove with gangsta rap on loudly in the car and sang along, not having to sing a single nursery rhyme or entertain anyone with snacks and warnings to stop them from crying or screaming. Then we got out of the car and walked holding hands, not having to pull out strollers and nappy bags, or yell at anyone to not run off in the car park. Life is so different now, but I wouldn’t change it. I know that soon the kids will be grown and we will miss these things. However, in the meantime, hubby can keep on washing dishes and cooking dinners if he wants any romance from me, and I will continue working with the bartering system I have going, to get things that I want. Hopefully ‘it’ continues to be a valuable commodity.

Thanks for reading. Love you all, Zoe. xx