The things no-one is game enough to tell you to pack in your hospital bag.

I was recently asked to prepare a blog on “must haves for your hospital bag for new mums”. I have seen this done so many times and I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t prepare a somewhat crudely funny version of this popular list. It got me to thinking about the things I sent my mum on a mission to buy post birth, because lets face it, you send your husband out for ice-cream and he comes back with biscuits. Can you imagine if you sent him out for maxi-pads?

If you’re a mum or mum-to-be you will know the overwhelming feeling of “what the hell do i pack in my hospital bag” and the frantic google for a million different versions of the same list and you end up lugging a 20 kilo suitcase through those emergency doors at 4am while contractions are coming hard and fast…. no? just me? Then you leave with that same 20 kilo suitcase of hand wash, box of tissues, hand towels, nail clippers, thermometer, pillow and all the other items that were on the list and YOU DIDNT USE! What about the items no-one wants to talk about on their pretty Pintrest made lists with floral borders and scripted headings. Here are a few items I wish I had been told to add to my hospital bag. You’re welcome.

1. Big ass pads.

Now I’m not talking Libra Goodnights. More along the lines of Teena nappies for old people. Your vagina will have just pushed out an approximately 50 cm child and will most likely be 4 times its usual size. 1 pad ain’t gonna cut it love, you need like 5 of those things. You will need to be able to cover from your belly button all the way to the end of your plumbers crack. #sorrynotsorry

2. Bonds Cottontails.

If you have ever lived with your granny or seen your grannies washing, they are the undies I’m talking about. Now someone gave me the heads up about this and told me i would need some dark undies that were 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear so I just got a cheap 4 pack from Kmart in a size 14. Within 5 minutes of putting them on after my post baby shower I was pounding on that button for the nurse to come in with a pair of scissors and cut the damn things off me before I passed out because they were cutting off my circulation so bad! Cottontails, the ones that reach up to your bra. Trust me.

3. Ear plugs.

Night 2, your baby will be hungry and your milk (if you chose to breastfeed) will not have come in yet, so your baby will be crying. This in turn (if you chose to public) will mean your baby will be setting off the other 4 babies in the same suite as you. They will take it in turns, don’t feel bad. Those child sirens will be going off all night until you feel like you want to gnaw on your toothbrush until it is a shank, like you see them do in the prison movies, so that you can stab yourself in the eardrum and not have to listen to it anymore.

Ok, i got you covered. Remember it’s all about the experience and don’t stress too much about what’s in your bag. Just have snacks if they let you eat during labour and the rest you can send hubby out to get for you. The first day post baby will be a huge blur of euphoria and dizziness, lactation, hemorrhoids, cracked nipples and throbbing eardrums, I won’t get into what will be happening in the vajayjay region is you have a vaginal birth. It will be all worth it though….. in about 18 years when they finally move out….. Or with that first smile.

Originally written for Little Boo Teek . Thanks for reading. Love you all. Zoe – The Subtle Mummy.

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