It has been a long time coming and I hope it was worth the wait, but the time has come to tell the story of ‘The broken vagina’, that I briefly touched on in a previous post. Now, if for some reason you haven’t read ‘The EOH Pelvic Floor’, I strongly suggest you head over and read that first, as the same disclaimer applies to this article. Before the pitchforks come at me like the last time, I will make myself clear – if you have not brought a life into this world and ever envision doing the act that is childbirth, I strongly, STRONGLY advise you do not continue reading…
You daredevil, I like you already. Thanks for reading on.
You daredevil you
Now, I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again – everybody’s birth story is different. This is a candid, telling of events that transpired the night of March 14th leading into March 15th, which resulted in the birth of my first child and ‘the broken vagina’.
I feel like I need to touch on the lead up to the birth, for you to fully understand the sequence of events. My son, my first child, was two weeks over due. This child did not want to come out! No amount of raspberry leaf tea, curry or brisk walks were getting this kid out of me. He had maxed his time in there and my appointment to be induced was made. It was great; I did my hair and makeup, packed my bag and drove down to the hospital with my husband, excited that I was going to meet my first baby. I went into hospital on a Thursday night at 8.30pm and he was born SATURDAY MORNING at 4am. That’s a long weekend!!!!
I tried to do it naturally. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I remember I had met a lady the weekend before and she told me she counted through her contractions. “Breathe in for six seconds and out for ten seconds. It keeps your mind busy and off the pain,” she told me. Look, it did work for 8 hrs but eventually it made me so angry I almost punched a midwife for chewing her gum mid-contraction. BRING ON THE EPIDURAL!! I still remember my first time with the epidural, my first hit. It rushed through my body and I felt like I was having an orgasm, a very long one. I went from The Exorcist to Little House on the Prairie in less than five minutes. I was making ‘That’s what he said’ jokes with the doctors. This fun carried on until about 4am when I felt like I needed to do the biggest dump of my life (how amazing am I making it sound?), and I had heard people say that when the baby is coming that’s what it feels like. They called the doctor and she had a looksie. Before I knew it there were two doctors, a couple of midwives and my husband, in the room in total panic. I wanted to say ‘I told you so’, but there was no time. All I remember was this four-foot-nothing little lady doctor asking me if I want forceps or an emergency caesarian, and then me not being able to hold that massive poo that was my firstborn IN!
Watch out
***Graphic content warning: skip this paragraph or don’t say I didn’t warn you. It was all on – no time for an episiotomy (where they cut you so you don’t split and two holes become one). So, they tore me. SORRY, PLEASE KEEP READING. I remember the doctor leaning back, almost in a squat position, and pulling on those forceps that were around my baby’s head. I couldn’t see everything, but my husband, who was in the corner of the room hugging the curtain and shaking like a leaf, while I yelled to him “TAPE THE BIRTH! TAKE SOME PICTURES! I WANNA SEE MY PLACENTA!!”, tells me he was 100% positive the babies head was going to rip off and the doctor would go flying back across the room. Out came baby Ari, in what seemed like five pushes, and off to work they went stitching up my tear. I don’t remember much after that, as I was too busy looking at my first-born child on my chest, covered in a sticky white substance. I wondered how it was possible he looked so much like a dropped baked potato? Other thoughts included, “If the doctors could read my mind now they would take him”, “I’m already a terrible mother shouldn’t I think he’s the most beautiful thing in the world?”, “He definitely looks like his dad” and a lot of “He’s the cutest baby ever, he’s the cutest baby ever, repeat the mantra Zoe!”
Ari- Photo by Niki Sprekos Photography www.nikisprekosphotography.com.au
Later, when I asked my husband why he hadn’t taken any pictures with our new camera we had bought specifically for the occasion, he said there were too many people in the way. These days he retells the story describing what he saw as similar to that of a massacre/blood bath type of scene. The midwives and doctors told me I lost a third of my blood and, even though I refused a transfusion, I almost didn’t have an option.
So, that was all over and I was being given a sponge bath in bed by the midwife, oh la la, until she asked me to sit up and I caught a glimpse of my vagina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Describing it as looking like a hamburger, more like a whopper, would be putting it nicely. That image will be forever burned in my mind. If Frankenstein’s monster had a vagina, I know EXACTLY what it would have looked like. *shudders at the memory*. I needed about four of those vajayjay icy poles and three overnight maxi pads to contain that Joker’s smile.
The amazing thing about kids is one smiles makes you forget the worst pain in the world
We went home and the struggles began; I struggled with breastfeeding, struggled to pee, struggled to even sit on a toilet without feeling like my insides were going to drop out of the gaping hole that once was my vagina. PSA: Squatting over a hand mirror to check it out is NOT a good idea! ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION!!! I also struggled with botched stitches. I guess in the rush, with all that blood loss, the staff were more concerned with stopping the bleeding than taking care with my stitches down there.
About six months later, when my ‘whopper’ had returned to looking slightly less ‘Abstract Art-esque’ and little more ‘Surrealist Art-esque’, the time had come to think about sex again… it took this long before my husband even dared to bring it up. I was petrified. I have been bungee jumping before and the thought of having sex again scared me more. We tried and it was a nightmare. That’s if it even counts… does half a tip even count?
Things are going to get serious now.
I booked in with my gynecologist and asked him if it was normal. He assured me that it was normal and I had just made a tiny human and there was a lot of trauma so not to expect too much. I gave it another six months and by that time we were trying for our second. By ‘trying’ I mean I would cry whilst biting on a pillow, enduring sex while my poor husband tried to get the job done as quickly as possible. Back to the gynecologist. This time he examined me and upon entry he kind of inhaled deeply, then stopped, took his glove off, patted me on the knee, and said “I can’t believe you’ve actually been trying to have a baby with those.” He described it as three bands, like the skin between your thumb and pointer finger pulled taut, and anytime anything rubbed on them they feel like they’re tearing. Basically, it was scar tissue from my stitches and I could either have surgery to fix it (and then have an elective cesarean so as to avoid the same thing happening again with a natural birth) or “bear through it” until we conceived and then “hope the next baby tears the same spot so that it can be re-stitched more carefully”. I decided to give the latter option a go for one more month, and thankfully it worked.
In the process I managed to traumatise my vagina to the point of vaginismus. Such a gorgeous word, isn’t it? Sounds like a blossoming flower that grows at the base of a gorgeous waterfall, doesn’t it? No, it’s terrible and having it is worse than the way it sounds. I’m going to describe it in layman’s terms first… It’s basically when your vagina has had enough so she over tightens your pelvic floor muscles so much that nothing is allowed in. She puts up a brick wall against all intruders and no amount of banging will break down that wall. My name is Zoe and I have vaginismus. Months of physio later and paying hundreds of dollars to get to third base with a gorgeous woman and there had been slight improvement made. I still remember her (the physio) telling me she was going to give me some ‘trainers’. I thought they were runners or something, but she came in with these plastic test tube looking things that started at the size of my little finger and the biggest was the size of an average……cucumber, and as she put it in there and began explaining what I need to do and which directions I need to manoeuvre and she looked down and that thing was being shot out. “YOURE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!”
Like babushka dolls
A few months later I had my baby girl. That birth was amazing, so gentle and beautiful. My husband even taped the whole thing, zooming in and all those types of fancy tricks. I even reached down and pulled her out myself!! I KNOW RIGHT!! She gently tore me in the same internal spot that Ari had and there was a highly experienced doctor in the room within minutes stitching me up carefully. Within a few days I could already tell that I was feeling more normal down there.
Ambrosia- Photo by Niki Sprekos Photography
I have a long way to go before I can say I’m 100% relaxed down there, but there are no more tears and biting pillows (unless it’s in a good way, wink wink). According to MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia, “Vaginismus is a spasm of the muscles surrounding the vagina that occurs against your will. The spasms close the vagina and can prevent sexual activity and medical exams.” According to Sexual Health Australia ”Vaginismus seems to be quite uncommon when looking at its prevalence in the general population. However, because of the shame and secrecy associated with the condition it may be underreported and on the basis of clinic samples, it would appear that vaginismus is not that uncommon after all.”
Besties
There you go, I got it out. I have been embarrassed to write this story for a while, but every time I meet someone in person and tell them they are surprised and feel really terrible for me that I went through it. I told this story to raise awareness of the issue, it was a hard one to share. I am putting the most private information out there for the world to read. Yes, I did put a funny spin on most of it, but that’s how I tell all my stories. If you can’t laugh at life then you cry, and crying aint fun. Please respect that I also come from a culture where we don’t talk about these things openly and I am mortified at the thought of my family reading it, but it’s all for the greater good, I say.
My gorgeous family. Wouldn’t have it any other way. -Photo by Cookie Snaps Photography
If you’ve made it to the end, thanks for reading. Love you all. – Zoe xoxo
The Subtle Mummy
Zoe George
\Mother. Wife. Teacher. Funny. Honest. Energetic. Loyal. Creative. Prankster. Junk food addict. Homie. Subtle as a brick in the face. Wanderlust.
Thanks Zoe,I am so sick of the fluffy natural childbirth bullshit.Not every birth is accompanied by violin and roses.It is so refreshing to read honesty for a change.My first was half born in a commode at the hospital,had to laugh or die of fright.Keep up the great work.
Thanks for your story Zoe, my first birth started pretty much like yours, but the end of it was quite different, for which I’m thankful. It takes courage to write about such a sensitive topic, but those are things that need to be said and shared so other women that have had similar situations don’t feel isolated. Keep up the good work!
Oh my gosh you poor thing 🙁
I may have crossed my legs and cringed a little reading that.
Glad to hear you are on the mend!
Incredibly honest and very well put, I’ve been through similar issues so therefore I can relate entirely and have to applaud you on your frank, honest and funny article.
It’s awesome to hear Vaginismus being mentioned. There is such a huge number of women who have this condition yet are too embarassed to talk about it, seek help or simply don’t know the name of their condition. It’s not just caused by childbirth but women who have experienced abuse, brought up in strict households (views on sex etc) and a whole range of other reasons.
There are facebook support groups which are sometimes more supportive than going to a ignorant GP. More education needs to be done regarding this, so women don’t feel ashamed to seek help or feel inadequate after an appointment.
Hi Zoe- I was put onto your article by my friend Danika and think your writing is the best! Very articulate and witty (and agree- if we don’t laugh at these things we would cry!) I help run a NFP womens health group called GAIN (Gynaecological Awareness & Information Network) We are based in Perth and run a pelvic pain support group for women with very painful conditions- and the ones that are not talked about etc. On our website http://www.gain.org.au we have a section where you can post a story- would you be willing to share this wonderful piece? It would be so helpful to other women who are going through this journey- and the humour is such a bonus as lets face it- most are written so seriously (mine included- must update it!) Have a think and let me know/just fill in form- thanks so much cheers Vanessa Watson (Vice President of GAIN)
Of course. Share away! Thanks for the kind words xx
Oh my goodness, this has just brought me to tears but in a good way. I have suffered with the same condition for years due to scar tissue from cancer treatment. I’ve had multiple surgeries (with not a lot of success), so I can say you picked the better choice by going for a new tear with Ambrosia. I was told I’d never have children (for unrelated reasons) but now have an almost 2 year old daughter despite it all (had to have a c section as there was no way she was getting out otherwise). Nobody but my husband and doctor knows about this part of my struggles so it’s a relief to know I’m not the only one. I had to laugh at your babushka reference….so very true! Good on you for telling your story oxo
That sounds so incredibly painful – but goodness, you had me laughing out loud (in between a few audible winces!) Seriously, the line about icy poles/maxi pads/joker’s smile is one of the funniest things I’ve read this year.
Thanks for sharing your story – and for the much needed belly laugh!
It sounds traumatic and horrible. But how did you see your vagina without medical equipment? It’s inside. It’s your vulva that’s outside. But I admire you for being upfront about the damage childbirth can cause. I escaped relatively undamaged with two births, but I have friends who did not. Your children are adorable 💖🐶🐕
Thank you for sharing your very personal journey to motherhood Zoe. Your courage both personally in your persistence to get pregnant a second time and to share your story so others don’t feel isolated and embarrassed to seek help is stellar. I have endured the scar tissue in the vagina pain and it is a world of pain like none other. Thanking you for shining the light on this subject. Big hugs xxx
Oh wow! Zoe I just completely felt your pain in every word you have written here. Good on you for taking a huge leap of faith in publishing sonething so private. A lot of mums out there are most likely unaware of this type of trauma as I was before I read this post. Congratulations on making such a beautiful family and getting through the struggles you were dealt with xx
Its great to hear someone else go through the same! My first born little boy broke my vagina too. Forceps and all! And it was only after his siter was born 2yrs later that sex and all that started to feel better. Not 100% but better! And at period time of the month ut felt like i had been kicked in the crotch at full force. And dont even get me started on smear tests. And my 6month check up involved a rod being placed up the backside!the things we do for our kiddies!x i thought i was really broken and never heard of anyone with anything similar. I wish all scenarios were explained to women!!!
Your story rings true to some extent here too. I wish more people would be realistic about the birth process and what happens. Even reading you’re story you have given so many warnings of graphic detail and yet it is true and happens so many to some degree. Thank you for a great piece of writing.
I had the same thing with the scar tissue. However, I saw a gyno within 3 months of giving birth. He knew straight away what it was and suggested surgery. It was called a Fenton Procedure. He also said it happen again with another pregnancy. It didn’t. My second was FINE. The surgery worked amazingly. We joke now that I have “designer vagina” haha! I would urge any woman who is worried post 6 weeks to go get seen. The quicker it’s dealt with, the better the outcome 🙂
Oh my I cannot believe that I have stumbled across this story! This is an absolute mirror image of my labour and I’m so relieved to hear that it is a recognised medical condition and I did not know of the medical name for this. I’ve recently been to see my nurse due to not being right down there and she said that it appears to tear during intercourse but not too worry and if continues to cause pain and discomfort then to go back. It’s been 3.5 years since my beautiful boy was born and I just can’t understand why I feel such discomfort after being told by the geanocologist that it was healing well and “very tidy” all of which I disagree with!!! Thank you So so much, an inspirational read subtlemummy 🙂
Hi Zoe, your story mirrors mine almost to a tee – the forceps, the botched stitches, the traumatic viewing of your broken bits, the scar tissue making sex painful, the vaginal dilators… Thankfully the birth of my second child also mirrors yours – gave birth standing up in a calm and empowering environment, tore in the same place as the first time and was stitched up with great care. I’m only 6 weeks post-partum so haven’t attempted sex yet but I’m feeling positive and we’ll try soon. It was 6 months with my first due to my stitches getting infected and falling out and my poor perineum having to heal on its own.
Can’t believe your gyno didn’t examine for scar tissue at the 6 month visit >:-/
Geez our culture has a long way to go in improving childbirth outcomes for mothers, doesn’t it.
Thanks for sharing your story, all the best for you and your beautiful family. Xx
Amen to that!!
What a wonderful article. My sister had the same experience that you have had and while I was almost too scared to ask her how things were with her she also did the same and had her second child and had a very calm birth with him and she is very much in the mend since he arrived. Great to see this subject being talked about. Well done
You just described my first childbirth down to the nearly blood transfusion
My daughter is now 17 so it was many years ago
But i fully understand where you are coming from
I always have said that my first ruined me downstairs and it took my second to fix me up. So I feel your pain. So many women refuse to have a second because of how messed up their vagina is after the trauma of the first. My first labour was over 22 hours, with my son having a probe attached to his head for most of it, forceps and eventually tearing that apparently took a packed (1 metre length) of stitches through 3 layers of tissue. Luckily my second tore in the same place and my doctors “stitching ability” was better in line. I now have a better “orgasmic” sex life than I’ve ever had, and my babies are now beautiful teenagers who I love more than anything. Congrats on getting your story out.
Zoe, thank you for telling people how it really is! My son’s birth was very similar to yours e.g. epesiotomy, hemmoraging… and I have the exact same problem with the scar tissue and the ‘in between the fingers skin’ so I’m due to have surgery. I have been looking for stories online to see if anyone has been in the same position and what the outcome of the surgery is, as I’m scared I could never have sex again! And your experience is exactly what I needed to hear, you tell it how it is! So thank you, And good luck with your 2 children!
Lucy xx
Thanks Lucy! Good luck with surgery. Keep me posted!
I had an episiotomy but the stitches came out and it got infected twice and … It’s a long story but it was over two years after giving birth that I had sex again. Since then, hardly ever. We don’t want more kids so it doesn’t seem worth all the stress. Can’t afford treatment.
Sorry to hear you’re going through that Rosie. X
Good on you for going to the second after all that you went through, thanks for sharing xx
Superstar! Great read and thank you for raising awareness. It takes A LOT of courage to talk/write about something so personal. The nasties can F off! 😊 And…gorgeous kiddies so definitely worth it! X
Thanks Yelena. X
I read your warning and laughed – because I went through something very similar with the birth of our first (thanks to his super-noggined father his cranial circumference was in the 97th percentile, whereas I’m sure my fanny was nowhere near so awe-inspiring). Everyone FREAKED whenever I happened to mention “third degree vaginal tear” (which was fairly often, I mean how often can you brag about surviving getting torn in half from arsehole to breakfast? And without an epidural as well. If only I’d known giving birth was going to be as destructive as pushing a rockmelon through a donut I would have said YES OF COURSE DRUG ME WHAT ARE YOU MAD??)
Frankenstein’s Kiester, icy poles for your bits and the ‘Joker’s smile’… laughed my now-thankfully-reassembled-arse off at that one. And you’re right, laughing about stuff like this is so much better than crying about it… plus, disasters with happy endings make the BEST stories! 🙂
Naw. Best comment ever. Thanks for appreciating. X
I came across you quite by accident today, and I am very pleased that I have. It’s the first time I have “lol” for a very long time. Thankyou for that.
I love your blog. So informative in a whacky sort of way.
Absolutely brilliant!!!!!
thanks wendy. xx
First, bless you for writing about your experience. I too had an assisted delivery with my first (vacuum) as I sit here 4 months pregnant with my second. I suffered a 3rd degree tear and painful sex for years after. And I struggled with breastfeeding too. I’m glad to see that there are others who have similar experiences, though not good to see really 🙁 , but it can be of comfort to those to know they are not alone in what they are experiencing. Talking about it helps and getting professional help when needed (for breastfeeding, symptoms of depression, pain during sex, etc) is very important, as I know from experience. I would say to others struggling that while baby’s health is important, your health is important too!
I had something very similar happen and elected to have surgery 4mo pp. After another 12 months of treatment, my vagina finally fully healed and has been perfect ever since. I’m now 6mo preggo with #2 and fairly certain I’m going to have a C-section this time around. I can’t get my head around the possibility of it happening again. It was too much. I am amazed you gave birth vaginally again. You are a rock star!
Thank you for writing this. I’m not sure if it was stupid for me to read this, or important and educational. I’m going with the latter. I’m about a week away from my due date and the boy still claws his way up and stuffs himself under my ribs then logrolls down to punch and head-butt my bladder and bowels. He has no plans to leave. Your post is terrifying, humorous, and honest. I know what to pay attention to. Knowledge is power. Thanks
I just wanted to say thank you for this piece. I am getting ready to become a first time mom and like an earlier post said you get tired of the exaggerated stories. We need reality. I really love your writings and hope to see more
thanks Erica. good luck with motherhood. its wonderful! x
Hi Zoe,
Thank you so much for writing this! I don’t have kids, but I suffer from vaginismus. I definitely feel like it’s a condition that is not often spoken about, and reading your blog almost brought tears to my eyes! It’s so refreshing to hear other people talking about this, so thank you for your bravery in speaking out about your experience. X
thanks for sharing Jasmin. such a shame others feel its a taboo topic. xx
Such a raw experience to share Zoe. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing. I got a natural birth but was attended to by a dr not my own. She talked the whole time how she wanted to be home wrapping Christmas gifts and subsequently gave me a little “husband stitch” that left me in utter agony. Two weeks after birth I could hardly walk across the house – misery isn’t a strong enough word. Then came trying to have sex – we didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought it would just go away but then caused the vaginismus because I was repeatedly traumatizing myself. My husband was a saint and we worked through it for two years before trying to conceive again. I’m now 28 weeks pregnant and dreading the aftermath of this birth. Things are still not the same as before we had our little guy but at least I’m not crying in agony anymore. Things take a long time, positions are extremely limited, and there’s not much spontaneity anymore but at least we can finally have sex without me feeling like I’m dying. You’re so brave to put it all out there and I’m so glad I stumbled on your story, it made me feel much less alone/broken.
thanks so much for writing that Katie. makes it all worth it knowing I’m helping..x
This is so much like my story. My husband kept saying he thought they had ‘over’ stitched me. The doctors were talking about getting new cars. I can remember so well. And the following year was just awful. Crying in attempt to have sex, the word sex made me shudder and want to cry. We got pregnant again 18months later, which was nearly a miracle because we were never having sex. But after having my daughter i had a 2nd degree tear, practically a paper cut compared to the first time.and i honestly think it was that that fixed me.they stitched me there and then in the labour room and It gave a bit of slack that was needed. It still effects me with the attitude to sex. It really f**ked me up for 2 years. Its refreshing to know you arent alone and people out there can feel you pain. Pardon the pun!
oh hun. so horrible isn’t it
Currently 14 weeks pregnant and this scares me! I appreciate you telling your story to get the word out, because I had no idea! I thought your vagina just naturally healed up within 2 months or so and you’re on your way lol.. 6 months before you could even think about sex and crying due to unbearable pain while just trying for your second child!? I can’t even imagine how painful all of this was.. you are a brave woman!
Hi Katlyn, hopefully everything goes fine with you but its important you give yourself time to heal. best of luck .xx